Chemicals of Pain and Power

A fat teardrop fell, leading it's way down to the bridge of my nose anxiously waiting to hit my pillow. This teardrop; a small mass of chemicals--each chemical counting for every reason for this tear to fall.

My marriage and each horrid memory that came with it has seeped deep into my veins; yet sitting on the inner layer of my skin where pain is most sensitive. Why it has taken two years since the nightmare to poison me is uncertain. But it is, I suppose a good pain. More flavor to the story of my life that makes me the strong person I am. I mean, come on, I know I kick ass. No question about that!

Conceded or confident? I say confident.

Merriam Webster's dictionary states: con-fi-dence (noun): a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances.

So, why the tears? It breaks my heart knowing there are battered, fragile women who feel torn to constantly meet the needs of others. The need to please. I've been a victim of the "Pleasing Syndrome," but ladies: we don't have to!

I will never forget when I saw her curled up in a ball, head down, unable speak. Her traumatic encounter from the night before left her feeling helpless, powerless. I so wanted to take her in my arms, let her cry on my shoulder and never let go. But I couldn't. She was untouchable. I've never met someone who hated herself so much. God knows I've tried to help her see the beauty in life; and even more so, in herself. She was the first woman I ever loved so much it hurts. I will never gaze into those eyes again, hear the music of her laughter or get that clammy hands-tingling-heart-throbbing feeling when she enters the room. Knowing that not seeing her again is for the best--that is the molecule within the tear that stings the most.

We as women should feel the power to fight back. No one deserves to feel that broken. We are just as capable as anyone of becoming every bit successful. No one looking down on us pointing their finger with so-called "authority."

 Who's to say they are right? That they have more wisdom?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."--Eleanor Roosevelt

Oh, Look at all the Lovely People...

Women are such fascinating creatures! Women who fight for everything they have, giving birth, nurturing their children, fight breast cancer--and yet, we are so distorted by the media--being displayed in magazines, commercial ads that have been airbrushed to death. Pressured to wear certain clothing, makeup, plastic surgery, the list goes on! Why can't we just feel free to show our true selves? What's so wrong with that?

What's so wrong with having a female President?

And what's with the whole gender role thing in a relationship? Why does it matter? As long as you make it work, that is what counts!

Here are just a few women who give me butterflies for being the great people they are:

Zooey Deschanel! Not only is she gorgeous, but she is quirky, funny, down to earth and is in the awesome band She&Him. I've been watching her new television series every Tuesday New Girl. It's pretty good!

I just love her when she wears those glasses! Adorable! 

 Kat Dennings knows what's what! This is a girl who isn't afraid to speak her mind and tell it like it is! Love it!

 And of course, no one can forget the amazing Ellen Degeneres! I never miss her show, either. She is the most genuine, authentic person I know of in the media.You can also see the amazing love she has for Portia. She's got my vote for female President, that's for sure!

Cutest couple ever!

 Not only does Adele have an amazing voice and lyrics, but she doesn't care about the media at all. She just loves to sing. Which is how it should be. She says, "My life is full of drama and I won’t have time to worry about something as petty as what I look like. I don’t like going to the gym. I don’t make music for eyes, I make music for ears."


Now that I think about it, looking at her picture above she reminds me a lot of {R}, a friend of mine that I've had a crush on for a while.

 Ellen Page: just too damn cute! 'Nuff said!

Also, there are women I'd like to make note of that aren't celebrities. They're just awesome like that. I won't mention names, but....

{R}- She has the most contagious laugh that never fails me! Her eyes are crazy beautiful and when I hug her I never want to let go...She's one of the few allies I have, who even though I've told her how I feel about her, she has still stuck around.

{J}-This girl is amazing! I've never seen someone so confident and that is incredibly...well, sexy!

Unfathomable

I am a big day dreamer. Always have been. It's a huge part of who I am. I used to spend hours on end as a little girl just imagining things, creating creatures from the unknown--creatures others considered unfathomable.

Growing older, I've realized I am unfathomable. I've always been different from those around me. And I always thought it was because something was wrong with me. I grew up hating myself.

Now; 26 years of age, I'm still different. Quite different. But guess what? There is nothing wrong with me.

All throughout my life, I had been trained to go by what everyone else did. Follow, follow, follow. After a chaotic yet interesting divorce, I, for the first time in my life explored.


Discovered.

And I realized there is a whole world out there waiting for me.

I could live. 

I could love.

I had control.




I've always let labels define me. And that's played a big part of why I hated who I was. I'm a writer. Words stick in my head. I spell them out in my mind continually. Words like, "good" or "bad," "evil" and "wrong." I think that's why the verbal abuse has hit me so much harder than the physical.

But, I've turned the tables. You push me, guess what? I've learned I can push back. And that's how I discovered I can love myself and love others at the same time.